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A discussion about parenting and liberal religion, with Michelle Richards, author of Tending the Flame: The Art of Unitarian Universalist Parenting. | Welcome | Subscribe
By Michelle Richards, on July 26th, 2010
Because so many of us Unitarian Universalist parents come from other religious traditions or were raised unchurched, it’s often much easier for us to definitively state what we do not believe than what we do believe. Even parents who were raised as Unitarian Universalists may struggle with this if their own parents neglected to pass on their beliefs and their faith in those terms.
However, expressing our theological beliefs to our children by explaining what we don’t believe is a bit like ordering a meal off of a restaurant menu by telling the waiter what you don’t want to have. After wading through an hour of rejecting meatloaf, chicken pot pie, and roast beef, your waiter is still bound to be rather confused about your meal preference. On the other hand, stating emphatically that you are a vegetarian and therefore need to select from the few meatless dishes on the restaurant’s menu at least narrows down the possibilities considerably.
Children can also be confused by this mish-mash of do-not-believes, and they can even start tuning out if this diatribe continues very long. Young children who are concrete thinkers are particularly sensitive to the difference between beliefs expressed in negative terms or positive terms. In fact, if the only information they receive on this topic is what a parent doesn’t believe, then they may have to fill in the blanks themselves.
There are relatively few sources of information as misinformed (or as confident) as those young children who invent their own answers to the big questions in life. But if their parents have not supplied those answers in terms they can understand, what choice do they have?
I remember very clearly one of the first theological conversations my son and I had, even though it has been several years now. As part of our bedtime ritual, I read him a story and then it was “cuddle time.” He told me one of the children in his preschool class had told him God was mad and sent a tornado to knock over someone’s house. This was alarming to him, and rightly so. Whenever children internalize the concept of an all-knowing, all-powerful God who can be extremely vengeful when wronged, this can be horribly frightening—even without wielding tornadoes.
That night I hugged him tightly and told him that I didn’t believe in a God that would hurt people in that way. I assumed that my statement would be reassuring to him and that the issue was all settled. However, a few days later, a thunderstorm hit our area and my son was terrified. It took me awhile to realize that the matter was indeed not settled. My rebuffing his concerns with a simple “I don’t believe that” statement clearly was not sufficient. In this case, he needed to know what I DID believe.
When it was cuddle time again, I brought up the subject myself. I told him that if I believed God would punish people that way, I would be very afraid, too. Then I told him some of what I do believe, and how and why I came to believe these things about God. During the next few weeks we explored weather conditions that could produce tornadoes and how we might protect ourselves should one threaten us.
He’s older now, and still terribly afraid of tornadoes. But he is no longer fearful of a vengeful deity in the sky who might send one to destroy our house as punishment.
By Michelle Richards, on July 12th, 2010
For many years, I rejected anything to do with the camping experience. A semi-flooded tent during a teenage camping nightmare was enough to turn me off of the idea forever.
However, my husband persisted and, eventually, I relented. It was becoming clear to me that I was cheating my kids out of the full nature experience with my selfish insistence upon four walls and indoor plumbing. So, after a trip to Death Valley and Yosemite where we would bathe in nature and all its glory only to return to a hotel at the end of the day, it seemed only right that our next road trip as a family include sleeping under the stars.
So my Eagle Scout husband bought a water-proof tent that anchors well into the ground even during high winds and an air mattress so this camping wimp could stomach the tenting experience. I stiffened my spine and went along with the rest of the family, certain it would be an absolutely miserable experience. The plan was to simply endure it so the rest of my family wouldn’t have to leave nature’s holy grounds in order to sleep for the night.
Of course, the first night in our tent, I woke up in the middle of the night with the urgent need to use the bathroom. So, I dragged myself out of the sleeping bag and managed to push myself off of the air mattress, which seemed reluctant to let me go. I reached for the flashlight and unzipped the tent for the anticipated dreadful night-time walk to the latrine.
 However, once I stepped outside and stood there in the moonlight, gazing at the amazing cascade of stars, all of my trepidation melted away. There was the belt of Orion, and the Big Dipper, and the spray of the Milky Way—all right there before me. Darkness surrounded me, yet the moon lit a path so that I didn’t even need the flashlight. I could hear some night creatures rustling about, and the chirping of the crickets overpowered the deep silence of the campground. With no other human beings in sight or making noise, I was truly alone, making this deep connection to the sacred only more intense. As I marveled in the experience, feeling the awe of all that was around me, I moved through the grass quietly to absorb it all. Even after I took care of the bodily need that had initially woken me, I continued to walk, now reluctant to return to the tent and leave the beauty of the night.
That first night’s trip to the facilities turned into a night-time sojourn and was a real eye-opener for me. All those years I resisted the very idea of camping, then finally relented so my children could have the experience—only to discover it was just what I needed.
Since then, there have been many middle-of-the-night trips to the bathroom—some with plumbing, and some without—and, over the past few years, I’ve even managed to ride out a few thunderstorms in our tent. While I can’t say that I appreciate every night-time walk as much as I did the first, I always lose my breath for a minute when I step from the tent and become enveloped by the stars and nighttime sky. As my eyes adjust to the darkness and the quiet of the night surrounds me, I remember the words of Unitarian Universalist architect, Frank Lloyd Wright: “I believe in God. Only I spell it N-A-T-U-R-E.
Photo (cc) by Anthony Thompson, via Flickr.
By Michelle Richards, on July 6th, 2010
Sexuality is so much more than just sex. It’s also the roles, behaviors, and values that people associate with the characteristics of being either male or female. For this reason, sexuality can be considered a basic part of our physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual lives. It is evident in the clothes we choose to wear, the activities we choose to engage in, the ways we show affection to others, and the persons we are sexually drawn toward. It is the identity we internalize and the image which we project to the world.
The most challenging aspect for Unitarian Universalist parents who see healthy sexuality as a social justice issue can be overcoming perpetuated stereotypes of male and female gender roles. Regardless of how parents raise their children, once a child enters school, the stereotypes of appearance and behavior expectations take hold. While these gender and sexual stereotypes arise primarily because of the brain’s developmental tendency to categorize people as well as things in order to better understand them, these rigid ideas may be reinforced by other children, adults, even teachers at school.
Many a Unitarian Universalist parent who has tried their best to raise a gender-aware and gender-neutral child has been horrified when their son announces at the store, “those toys are for girls, they are all pink.” Or a five-year-old girl announces matter-of-factly, “I can’t play basketball. Basketball is for boys.” Understanding that these ideas are often developed naturally or absorbed from others and are not generally intended to cause harm, we can refocus our children’s thinking with the intention of counteracting the larger forces that perpetuate such images.
In many of these instances, the children may be focusing upon “rules” of behavior that they have either overheard or developed themselves based upon personal experience. Perhaps the boy who linked the color pink with girls has noticed that all his sister’s toys seem to come in pink packaging, and perhaps the girl knows only boys who play basketball.
To stretch their understanding of how these rules are not necessarily true, a parent can take the boy down the aisle of “girl” toys and see if there is anything he might be interested in playing with. Point out how marketers have made the toys pink because they think more girls than boys will be interested in these toys, but explain that girls and boys aren’t limited to playing to with certain kinds of toys. And for the girl who doesn’t know that girls can play basketball, take her to a women’s basketball game at a local university or high school, or watch the WNBA on television so that she can see that girls and, indeed, women play basketball, too.
Young adolescents will continue to absorb societal expectations of what is considered gender appropriate behaviour, and many boys and girls will experience increased pressure to conform to stereotypical gender roles. Middle school–age boys in particular may experience extreme pressure at school or among peers to adhere to sex-role expectations in their choice of toys, clothing, hairstyles, activities, hobbies, or sports. Some girls will cave to this intense pressure and will avoid academic achievement in the hopes of being more attractive to boys, or over-emphasize their physical appearance by wearing excess makeup, clothing, and hairstyles that make them look like the sexual objects they see as images in music videos, on television, and on the Internet.
For those children whose gender identity does not match their biology, or children who are gender non-conforming in general, this can be disheartening and may be the beginning of a lifetime of reconciling who they think they really are with the appearance they present to the world. Supportive parents can continue to stress that stereotypes are damaging and that rules for behavior are often inaccurate while underscoring that others do not necessarily perceive this the same way we do, despite the fact that it can be hurtful. Parents can also continue to affirm their child’s choices in clothing and activities, even if they seem to promote a gender identity different from what the child’s appearance presents. Parents can also help their child find a supportive group of friends who accept the gender identity or non-conformity which is an essential part of your child’s identity.
And whenever bullying is part of the picture, it is important not to let it slip by unrecognized or unchecked—whether or not the bullying actually involves violence. Emotional scars can run just as deep, as many now-adults will attest to the trauma they experienced during their adolescence.
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