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A discussion about parenting and liberal religion, with Michelle Richards, author of Tending the Flame: The Art of Unitarian Universalist Parenting. | Welcome | Subscribe
By Michelle Richards, on January 16th, 2012  U.S. postage stamp; photo ©2011 Ken Brown/iStockphoto Martin Luther King Jr. Day is not only for celebration, remembrance, and a tribute to an amazing individual, but in recent years has evolved into a national day of service. All across America on this day, people perform community service in hospitals, homeless shelters, prisons, and wherever people need help. It is a day of volunteering to feed the hungry, rehabilitate housing, tutor those who can’t read, mentor at-risk youngsters, console the broken-hearted, and a thousand other projects building the beloved community of Dr. King’s dream.
For Unitarian Universalist parents who lament our lack of meaningful holidays, a national day of service can be a way of living our faith together as a family. Beyond honoring the inherent worth and dignity of all persons, this national day of service promotes actively working to uphold our Second Principle, “justice, equity, and compassion in human relations.” And since many children are home from school to commemorate Martin Luther King Jr. Day, this can be an optimal family time for community service.
For instance, Laura Yamashita, who attends the Unitarian Universalist Church of Atlanta, marches in the annual Martin Luther King Jr. parade with her children every year. This has become an annual tradition for her family and has marked the passing of the years just like holidays such as Christmas and Thanksgiving. It also makes a clear statement to her children that their presence is important in honoring the man and his work for non-violent social change.
Other Unitarian Universalist parents have arranged time to serve meals in soup kitchens, work on community restoration projects, or donated time to stock a food pantry’s shelves with food for hungry families. The opportunities for service are limitless; in fact, many local organizations that are in need of assistance will hold special opportunities for volunteers to help out on Martin Luther King Jr. Day. You can find out about ways to make a difference all over the country and in your neighborhood through the National Day of Service website.
Even if your family does not engage in social action projects together on this day, the holiday presents an opportunity for Unitarian Universalist children to learn about the power of nonviolent protest and civil disobedience, two key aspects of our religious heritage. One thing that my kids find really amazing is that even though Dr. King was not a Unitarian Universalist, he was heavily influenced by Gandhi (who was a Hindu) and through him, by Henry David Thoreau (a Transcendentalist Unitarian). (King also drew inspiration from the Unitarian-Universalist utopian minister Adin Ballou, whose idea of “nonresistance” influenced Tolstoy and Gandhi, and from the radical Unitarian minister Theodore Parker, whose language about the “moral arc of the universe” King used in his speeches.)
This National Day of Service presents an opportunity for all of us, no matter our color or creed or political affiliation, to create a better world. For beyond his work on the civil rights movement and non-violent protest, the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. presented a challenge to all of us when he said, “Life’s most persistent and urgent question is: ‘What are you doing for others?’” To this challenge, I’ll add: “What are you doing to teach your children what we need to be doing for others?”
Learn more about the MLK-Thoreau connection at these links: “The Formative Influences on Martin Luther King,” by Gregg Blakely (Peace Magazine, Apr.-June 2001); “The Life and Words of Martin Luther King Jr.” (Scholastic curriculum guide, grades 6-8).
By Michelle Richards, on November 28th, 2011  ©Noam Armonn/Bigstock We all want our children to develop an attitude of gratitude, but there is a lot working against us in this department. Bombarded with messages celebrating consumerism, children may find it hard to be grateful. After all, obtaining material goods often seems to be the meaning of the holidays.
Countless parents have experienced dismay and embarrassment when their child opens a gift and, instead of saying “Thank You,” utters an exasperated, “I already have this.” Even a child who is naturally generous and giving may simply smile and set a less desirable present aside in the rush to unwrap another.
Beyond explaining gift etiquette and how one should respond even if a gift is unwanted, parents can model generosity. Our children watch what we do, so be sure to let them witness our own acts of kindness to others, particularly strangers or others in need. Our children also need to witness us giving money to the charities we support and volunteering for non-profit organizations—including our congregations.
As a present for birthdays, holidays, or on some other occasion, instead of getting one more toy or other item which will soon be discarded, parents can ask extended family members to consider giving a certificate to your child with the promise that you will give a set amount of money to a charity of their choice. If they are not sure which charity to support, investigate some possibilities with them. For example, the website CharityChoice offers a choice of more than 100 charities in 12 different categories.
Generosity doesn’t involve only financial giving. Helping others, either through random acts of kindness or through volunteering your time, is being generous, too. Talk to your children about the causes you support and why you give them your time and money. Think about the ways you can involve them in your volunteer opportunities in age-appropriate ways.
Finally, it’s important not to overlook the value of writing and sending thank-you notes for the gifts our children receive. As soon as they are able to write somewhat legibly and without a great deal of difficulty, children can write simple thank-you notes to express their appreciation for the gifts they receive. Grandma and Grandpa will be thrilled at the prospect and parents of similar-aged children will be impressed, but even the simple act of creating the thank-you cards speaks to the intentionality of recognizing the kindness of others. After all, gratitude is the loving twin of generosity. When we feel grateful, we are often generous—and when we are feeling generous, it helps us be grateful.
By Michelle Richards, on November 7th, 2011  ©RonTech2000/iStockphoto The Winter Holiday season is looming upon us, and with it often comes thoughts of traveling and spending time with extended family. Sometimes, the members of our extended families can be accepting of theological differences. Other times, not so much, because when a grown child rejects the faith of their parents, some parents will interpret this as a rejection of their very morals, ethics, and parenting values. In short, they may perceive this as a rejection of themselves.
In some families, the arrival of precious grandchildren raises the stakes even higher. Grandparents who had dreams of attending a christening with the baby wearing the same beaded and lace gown you wore as an infant, or who had been looking forward to sharing Passover dinners with the children of their children, are forced to face the harsh reality that their dreams may go realized. Because these realities can cause acute feelings of loss in our parents, we need to expect that there will be some disappointment and hesitation in accepting that there will be no baptisms, bar mitzvahs, or First Communions in their grandchildren’s future.
Accepting our parents’ feelings about this may be hard to do, especially if their feelings are offered with hostility or if we have unresolved issues with feeling accepted as adults by the people who raised us. However, when we recognize that these grandparents are indeed experiencing a loss, then perhaps we can understand that, as with any other loss, it takes time to work through the grief and to accept the reality of the new life situation.
Even people who were raised with no religious affiliation may be surprised at their own parents’ reaction when they decide to raise a child with particular spiritual practices. If your parents never particularly valued religion or have even been openly hostile to it, there may be just as much disgust or sneers expressed when you state your beliefs. There may even be accusations of your inability to accept logic or reason and charges that all their efforts to raise a freethinking child were in vain.
In most cases, presenting aspects of your theological beliefs and spiritual practices which have some similarity to theirs will generate more positive results than focusing upon the differences that exist. Focusing upon the similarities is also more non-threatening, which can allay any fears they have of an unknown religious culture and any unfamiliar spiritual practices.
Even if you are unable to articulate any parallels between your beliefs and theirs, it is crucial to avoid being defensive and to refrain from criticizing the beliefs of your parents. Being defensive places you in an inferior position that perpetuates the parent/child dynamic and makes it harder for your parents to accept you as a mature adult with your own positions and opinions. And criticizing their beliefs can make them defensive, which does nothing to help them accept and understand your position, and may provoke them to argue back that their religious beliefs (or lack thereof) are superior to yours.
Instead, modeling tolerance and acceptance while calmly insisting that your beliefs are as important to you and your new family as theirs are to them will force them to accept—even if over time—your sincerity of belief. Furthermore, when you are able to emphasize the loving, life-affirming aspects of your spiritual path, and even use the language of your traditional religious past, you create bridges rather than divisions between different religious paths.
Inviting the grandparents to share in the rituals and ceremonies of your chosen faith can also help bridge that gap. When my own parents attended the Naming and Dedication ceremony of my daughter Shannon and we shared a meal together afterward, they felt a great deal of joy at being part of the service (even though it wasn’t actually a baptism). Inviting both my mother and stepmother to have special roles in the Maiden Ceremony, which marked my daughter’s passage into adolescence, made it difficult for them to feel disappointed over not attending a Catholic Confirmation.
For while they may never really understand my Unitarian Universalist beliefs and my decision to raise my children this way, they have been invited to share the important rituals of their grandchildren’s life. Sometimes, this is enough.
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