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A discussion about parenting and liberal religion, with Michelle Richards, author of Tending the Flame: The Art of Unitarian Universalist Parenting. | Welcome | Subscribe
By Michelle Richards, on September 7th, 2010 Death has touched our family again, for the fifth time in five years. You would think that we would be getting rather acclimated to the grieving process after having gone through so many losses in such a short time, but it is never easy.
 Candle (©tweetyclaw/iStockPhoto) This time there doesn’t seem to be as much soul-searching by my teenage daughter to understand why bad things happen; not as there was when, at age ten, her best friend was killed in a tragic accident. Now, after the death of her beloved but aging grandmother, she suffers from an abundance of guilt (for not spending more time with her) and struggles with biting her tongue when well-intended people speak of a theology which doesn’t match hers. Meanwhile, my eight-year-old son struggles with his own sense of mortality and—even worse, perhaps—mine. He is aware that his father was present when his mother took her last breath, which, unfortunately, is an all-too-acute reminder that his own mother will one day face death as well.
Parenting in times of intense grief is never easy, especially when we are in the midst of experiencing our own feelings of regret, anger, and sorrow. As Unitarian Universalist parents, many of us yearn for comforting words to say to our children because it tears us up inside to see them suffering. However, sometimes there are no words which can bring comfort from the grief. In times like these, our loving presence and support can offer them what they need. We can reassure them that we will be there for them when they need to talk, to vent, or even rant a bit.
As for dealing with the well-meaning words offered by others, I can help Shannon to recognize that while their words may not offer comfort through the ideas they express, it can be possible to find some support in why they are being expressed. I learned this important lesson from a very good friend of mine, also a Unitarian Universalist parent. After her daughter’s death, she heard many comments about angels and being with God, yet instead of feeling resentment over these words, she chose to “translate” these words into something which did offer her support.
Recognizing that people expressing such thoughts are well intentioned can help us embrace their concern for us, even when they share words that don’t fit our own personal theology. The reality is that most people really don’t know what to say, even as they struggle with the need to show they care. Embracing this care and concern expressed by well-meaning people can offer us some solace, even if their words do not.
I don’t pretend to know what happens after we die, and perhaps I will never know the answers the Great Mystery holds. However, I do know that if my in-laws are reunited together in some ethereal place like heaven, rejoined with some sort of greater cosmic consciousness, or are souls waiting to be reborn into a new existence, they’re probably arguing with each other over how long the green beans should be cooked in the pressure cooker. Unless, of course, they’re able to find themselves as part of a foursome playing Pinochle in the Great Beyond, and then I hope they have the winning hand.
Resources: “Talking about Death,” by Betsy Hill Williams (Connections, Church of the Larger Fellowship)
By Michelle Richards, on August 23rd, 2010  (photo ©2009 by kingwu/iStockPhoto) Last year my husband and I invested in a Global Positioning System, or GPS. I have joked many times about how this simple electronic device has probably saved our marriage due to no more disagreements about navigating, interpreting maps, and trying to determine our direction based upon the angle of the sun. However, this device has also taught me a great deal about patience, too. And patience is something parents—Unitarian Universalist parents in particular—need in great abundance.
If you are not familiar with a GPS device, it is a small computer that lays out a course for you to follow when you input your destination. Should you choose to ignore the directions (either on purpose or by mistake), it will simply recalculate the route and give you new directions. Most GPSes will give out audio directions as well as a visual map with the theory that if you are driving, you may not be able to attend to the visuals on the screen.
The other day I was driving somewhere and, because I wasn’t particularly familiar with the location of my destination, I was using the trusty GPS in my car. Suddenly I remembered that I had forgotten something and had to turn the vehicle around and head back. The GPS calmly recalculated the route, telling me what I needed to do to get back on track to my original destination. After ignoring the turn suggested for the next intersection, it then switched again and gave me new directions. After I ignored it again, it directed me to make a U turn, if possible.
I turned off the device as I retraced my route back home, but even as I did so, I wondered how much better a parent I would be if I could calmly and patiently recalculate a new solution based upon revised circumstances. Better yet, what if I could communicate this solution in a manner void of anger, impatience, and frustration, even when the person I’m directing appears to disregard my suggestions?
Since it so often seems that much of my direction to my children is of a tedious repetitive nature (“Please shut the door, we don’t want bugs in the house” or “Leaving our coat, backpack, shoes, and other assorted items in the middle of the room can make someone trip”), having the GPS’s ability to calmly reframe the situation could especially come in handy.
The next time I need to face a misguided question of injustice from children who have been raised in a relatively privileged home (“How come she gets to stay up later?”), I don’t have to fall back upon the conversation-stoppers “Because I said so!” or “Because she’s older.” When stereotypes are repeated through ignorance, I can counter them with a steady comment of why those assumptions are untrue. And finally, when my teenager chooses to disregard my advice and it turns out badly, I can circumvent “I told you so” for comforting words and suggestions on how she can make a “U” turn (if possible).
By Michelle Richards, on August 9th, 2010 Despite our best intentions to raise freethinking children who understand there are many possibilities for religious truths, the reality is most of us live and function in a world which frowns upon nonconformity where religious ideas are concerned. Even as our country grows more and more religiously diverse each generation, distrust of atheism, agnosticism, and humanism remains the last bastion of intolerance because many people have the mistaken notion that nonbelievers have no sense of morality.
Even Unitarian Universalist families who have a traditional belief in God or consider themselves to be theists may face confusion and rejection by a population of people who have been indoctrinated by those faiths that teach there is only one truth (usually theirs). And although more and more young people identify themselves as “spiritual” rather than “religious,” the domination of right-wing evangelicals often drowns out the voices of more moderate and progressive Christians or theists.
As parents, we can sometimes feel overwhelmed with the need to protect our children, particularly if they are facing bullying or teasing. Because of this desire, we risk going overboard by attempting to protect them from any issues that have the potential to cause them pain. If we are too over-protective, however, we risk insulating them from real life issues that they will have to face sooner or later. We do not benefit our children when we shield them from all of life’s ugliness, nor do we teach them resilience if we fight all of their battles for them.
Of course, deciding when it is actually in our child’s best interests to stand aside is usually a judgment call. Perhaps the best way we can prepare our children for some of the realities of life is to talk to them about all the possibilities they may encounter. In this regard, exploring how others may react to our personal theologies is no different than discussing the possible consequences of sharing political opinions or ideologies with others who may not necessarily agree with us.
During adolescence in particular, when most of their peers belong to a different religion, our children can feel alienated and isolated. Therefore, as parents we need to offer them what support we can and, if possible, engineer participation in a Unitarian Universalist youth group or (at the very least) some contact with other youth who are also open to diversity when it comes to religious belief. This can make a large difference in combating that sense of isolation and perhaps they can even discover that being “normal” means being different, because none of us are truly the same as another person.
Finally, we as parents may also need to stress that while the culture we live in claims to appreciate diversity, in many instances the reality falls far short of the ideal. This may hold true even for youth groups or the overall church culture where a family seeks acceptance and finds instead more rejection. Then it may be up to us to be the change we seek; and it may become necessary to remind ourselves—and others—that the ultimate purpose of religion is not to establish absolute truths; that is the role of science. Religious beliefs may be concerned with truths, but they should be considered more of a vehicle for arriving at a truth rather than the only destination possible.
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