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A discussion about parenting and liberal religion, with Michelle Richards, author of Tending the Flame: The Art of Unitarian Universalist Parenting. | Welcome | Subscribe
By Michelle Richards, on November 1st, 2010 
Intergenerational service project at the 2010 General Assembly (© Nancy Pierce/UUA)
One of the pressing questions often faced by Unitarian Universalist parents is: How do we teach our children, some of whom are growing up in relatively privileged homes, about the injustice of the world? How can we let them know that true justice goes beyond how bedtimes are determined and that compassion for others is at the heart of giving?
First and foremost, raising children in an anti-bias, anti-oppression home—one that acknowledges the realities of racism, the oppression of poverty, the danger of homophobia, and the error of making assumptions about ability—starts with the language we use and the environment we create in the home. We can teach our children to respect, appreciate, and affirm people who are different from us. We can actively work to not perpetuate harmful assumptions about others when we express our ideas. And we can encourage our children to avoid teasing and name-calling as well as to stand up for victims and speak out when they recognize oppression in any form.
The true development of compassion, however, is another matter. The nature of children (particularly young ones) is inherently selfish, because they have an egocentric view of the world. This is why a child can give a beloved toy to a friend without a second thought and then in the next few minutes snatch it right out of their hands. Their brains literally do not comprehend that others have a perspective other than their own.
Yet children need to understand that being compassionate can help them create a better world. Beyond modeling this value within our families, developing a family tradition of community service—such as engaging in social justice projects together—communicates that compassion is a family value.
Volunteering together to work a Saturday afternoon shift at a soup kitchen; gathering up groceries to give to the local food pantry; or participating in a walk, bike ride, or fun-run for an important cause can be family enrichment activities—especially when there is talk of why it is important to help out the people who will benefit from the family’s efforts. Even the act of praying together for the well-being of others, sending a healing white light to those who are hurting, or intentionally holding people in our thoughts can go a long way toward nurturing compassion in our children.
Finally, role-playing can be an effective way of promoting justice through compassion. Asking children to act out a story or particular situation can help them come to an understanding of others’ thoughts and feelings that is just not possible otherwise. This method turns the game of imagination into an active tool for learning about justice and compassion.
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By Michelle Richards, on April 12th, 2010 When we raise our children to be Unitarian Universalists, we raise them to challenge accepted “truths,” ask questions, and speak out about issues that we ourselves may choose not to face. Our faith isn’t only about affirming the inherent worth and dignity of all people; it’s also about standing up for justice and compassion. Since children and many youth have not yet developed the internal censoring mechanism that so many adults have, they are not afraid to stand up and speak out about their beliefs.
When my daughter Shannon was in the sixth grade at a public elementary school, she made the point, during a classroom discussion, that a community organization with the word “Christian” in its name might discourage non-Christians from joining. Some kids in the class looked at her as if she had condoned devil worship. She was raised to accept and respect all people and was surprised at their reaction. However, she quickly learned that the dominant social culture in her school equated Christianity with goodness.
A daughter of a friend of mine also spoke up in her elementary class one day when the teacher openly criticized pagans as heathens who hated God. Allison responded that this couldn’t be true because her mother was a pagan and she wasn’t like that at all. The teacher was shocked, but not nearly as shocked as Allison’s mother was that she had been “outed” as a non-Christian in their conservative community.
Children and youth raised as Unitarian Universalists have often spoken out unflinchingly against racism and other oppressions, giving voice to the injustices they see in the world. They do not intrinsically fear that calling attention to oppression exacerbates rather than seeks to eliminate it. They don’t struggle to find the words to explain their offense, and they have deeply internalized the understanding that silence about oppression breeds more injustice. Standing up and speaking out can be risky, but they have been taught to do it anyway. Some have even been known to call adults in their congregations to task for making tasteless jokes or disrespectful remarks about the religious beliefs of others or a childhood faith they rejected.
How have your children and youth spoken up? Have they taken a stand on something they believe strongly in? How did their actions affect others? Were they encouraged to continue to act, or were the repercussions too daunting for them to feel confident in speaking out under certain circumstances again?
I sometimes envy the confidence and self-assuredness of our youth, who are vocal about their religious beliefs and who readily call attention to the injustices they witness. I am saddened by those who learn to squelch their need to stand up and speak out, yet I understand why this often happens. However, with the right support, they can continue to express their truths and reveal injustice, even in the face of disbelief or shock. They can spread the good news of Unitarian Universalism and create the change we all long to see in our world. They can continue to stand up and speak out for those who remain silent. And perhaps the more they do speak out, the more others will choose to join their voices with them.
By Michelle Richards, on March 22nd, 2010 Children’s growth doesn’t usually happen neatly or smoothly. Instead, children go through what’s known as “growth spurts.” One day, your child’s favorite shirt is just too small to make it over his head. If, with great effort or force of will, you manage to get the shirt on, it’s too short and his belly is exposed. Yesterday, that shirt seemed to fit just fine; now it has to be relegated to the hand-me-down pile. For my son, these growth spurts almost make me wonder if his bed has a stretching feature—one day his new pair of pants fits just fine, and the next morning they resemble cropped cargoes instead of the long pants they are supposed to be.
A child’s development in the areas of faith and spirituality happens in much the same way, with one big difference: Once a shirt or sock is outgrown, the child will never wear it again. There is no going back when it comes to physical development. However, in other areas of growth that are not so visible to the eye, there is much traveling back and forth, lapsing and relapsing and changing and reversing. Rather than growing in a linear fashion with huge leaps forward, a child grows in faith and spirituality through a spiral that circles round upon itself many times before the child takes a giant leap forward.
Understanding this back-and-forth nature of emotional and spiritual growth can be reassuring to parents who naturally feel frustration at the child who does not seem to “act her age.” It can also help to assuage any fears that the child is not developing normally. It is normal for a child to seem generous and giving one day and selfish the next. It’s all part of the evolving nature of the inner self. Thinking of the overall process and the growth that happens over a lifetime can help put these frustrating relapses into perspective.
Physical growth opens the door to moral, ethical, and faith development; with larger brain capacity a greater understanding of concepts such as compassion, justice, and gratitude becomes possible. These advances in morality may then promote faith development, which can lead to greater ethical understandings that govern behavior.
For example, unlike most adults, young children do not routinely question their thinking because they are completely unaware that others can have a different perspective. This means that perception and feeling are more dominant than thought at this age; young children will use external cues to determine what is right and what is wrong. It is only later, with greater physical maturity and life experience, that children are able to recognize relationships and even to logically link together the chunks of knowledge they possess, thereby allowing them to understand different perspectives. As their faith development expands to include ideas of justice, fairness, and compassion, their ethical development begins to center around following rules and regulations instead of expecting punishment and reward.
Therefore, those parents who neglect the faith development of their children lose an opportunity to stimulate their moral and ethical development. What is right, what is fair, and what is just—these concepts are all intricately linked with beliefs about the meaning of life and the purpose of our existence. Since children (and even most adolescents) look to their parents first and foremost in shaping their morals, ethics, and spirituality, it behooves us to be intentional about sharing our beliefs with our children in order to shape their own developing sense of self.
What moral and ethical issues have you had to address with your children? What frustrates you the most about the inconsistency of your child’s moral and ethical development? How have you resolved issues of fairness and equality in your family when elementary age children insist on equal treatment despite differing circumstances? Please share some of your experiences.
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